There was, many, many moons ago, Terz, and then there was Stellou, and then a couple of weeks ago I finally said I was going to do this; I believe I even said I would do it that weekend, “c’est promis.” Clearly I should have said I would do it before the end of the year, c’est promis. Here’s a good resolution for the new year: set achievable goals. My friend Jazon made a good one this past year: it was that if he was on the phone with someone and they got cut off, he’d not try to call them back, and would instead just wait for them to ring again. ’Cause you know how if both people are trying to call each other everybody just gets a busy signal in their ear for the next so many minutes? Exactly. Well, then. I think we understand each other.

Seven things you want to do before you die
1. be published
2. design a dress and have it made
3. live in Paris
4. learn to take photos in manual mode on an SLR
5. take a dance class and get good at it
6. read A la recherche du temps perdu
7. play drums in a band

Seven things you do well
1. a chocolate tart
2. laugh
3. float in water
4. sit around thinking
5. whistle
6. wear green shoes with anything
7. quote from “Zoolander”

Seven things you can’t/don’t know how to do
1. fish
2. be normal around a boy I like
3. stand up in front of a crowd of strangers and wing it
4. get psyched about flossing
5. sew
6. be a size zero
7. read the weekend paper in a weekend

Seven things that attract you to someone of the opposite sex
1. his Vespa
2. a sense of humour
3. smarts
4. his doing things on a whim-ness
5. his total and utter sexxiness
6. an ability to cook and/or care deeply about macarons
7. a general lack of dickhead jerkiness

Seven things you say often
(If you know something about me, it is that I say things. Sometimes my mouth says things without the rest of me knowing about it. My sister has been known to say, in the middle of my saying things, “Why are you still talking?” Anyway, my point is, I say so many things that I had to colour this bilingual. I would have tried for French, too, except that most of the spaces would have been filled by “putain” or “merde” or “euh”.)

In English
1. “Yah but no.”
2. “That's NICE.”
3. “Totally!”
4. “FINE.”
5. “Well...this is fun and all...”
6. “Shit.”
7. “This game sucks.”

In Singlish
1. “Eh I tell you I tell you...”
2. “Eeeyur!”
3. “Fail!”
4. “No lah nooo!!”
5. “Money come out I slap your face.”
6. “Ren ah Ren...”
7. “Chits me my money!”

Seven celebrity crushes
1. David Bowie
2. Seu Jorge
3. David Sedaris
4. Hugh Laurie
5. Jude Law
5. Christopher Walken
6. Paul Auster
7. Rik Mayall

Seven people whom you’d like to have respond to this questionnaire
Please, I need to put all seven of my feet down here and just not pass this on. I can’t, I can’t, it’s like the plague. Or conjunctivitis, actually, which I woke up this morning to find that I have. Gross. May I instead try to distract you with my horoscope from today’s paper? It is this: Put your seat in the upright position and lock your tray table: You are due for some quite surprising news—and not a moment too soon. This is the news you have been waiting for. Smile.